i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I need to stop coming to work sober
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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