My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
