I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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