if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
