I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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