Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
