there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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