Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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