well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
