What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Randomize
