so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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