so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
