The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
