I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
