My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Drake has all the answers
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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