i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You smell like a Billy Joel song
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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