fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
How naked do you want me to be?
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