Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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