Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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