the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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