i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
