The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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