when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
