Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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