Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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