Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
