As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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