Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
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