Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
