He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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