Where did you get a picture of my penis
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
