Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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