I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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