I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just googled if crying burns calories
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
