I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
