when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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