Why are handjobs necessary in class?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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