Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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