dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
and she was petting her beer can
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
