After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Every concussion has its silver lining
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
