Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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