i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
