Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize