Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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