She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize