I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize