the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
