if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
