Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
