she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
