I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
