The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
