She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
