Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
