420 ftw
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
