legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
